Dec. 6th was the day that it was confirmed that I cannot get pregnant. Four hysteroscopies and one abdominal myomectomy later, my doctor told me that there were countless inoperable fibroids remaining throughout my uterus and that an embryo would fail to implant. He gave me the option to try yet another round of Lupron or Fibristal (I have now lost count of how many times I have taken both of these medications in the past) and to try another hysteroscopy later in the year. At first, I agreed to another round of Fibristal as I steadfastly refused to give up on my mission of getting pregnant. I have clung on for 10 years. Endured not only the 5 fibroid surgeries but several ER visits and blood transfusions in between. Literally, blood, sweat (lovely side effect of Lupron!), and tears. I don’t even want to think about how much money had been spent on tampons and pads. And time off from work. But the next day, his advice haunted me. Even though he had given me that option, he was upfront when he said that my best chance of pregnancy would be using a gestational surrogate.
And so I waved my white flag and told the office of my change of plan. These last two months have not been easy. I have fought hard for 10 years. I somehow managed to get through the holidays. Drowning my sorrows into food, my clothes are now tighter. My depression came back with a vengeance and I had bouts of uncontrollable crying and sobbing. Those unwanted dark thoughts crept in from the shadows. The few friends and coworkers that I eventually told gave me looks of pity while I put on a brave face. I felt that nobody I spoke with understood how I felt. I have pretty much hidden at home, cuddling up with my kitty, avoiding social contact as much as possible. Feeling beaten down by life, I am pretty sure I now walk with a slump. .
One day, my spirits were high enough for me to take a look online at surrogacy agencies. There were two possible options and I decided to go with the cheaper of the two. I emailed them and had a thick package promptly sent to me. I had it printed out…and it sat untouched on my desk for probably a month. About 2 weeks ago, I finally decided that I could avoid it no longer. I have two frozen embryos waiting for a home. The surrogacy agency had told me it would take 12-18 months to find a surrogate. It was time to get started.
The agency had sent me a package meant for a couple even though I had said that I was a single mother by choice. Things with S have been pretty good lately. Do I list him as Intended Parent 2? Will a surrogate be harder to find if they see there is only one Intended Parent? If I did put S as IP #2, how would I explain our complicated situation? We are not married, not even common-in-law. His mother hates me and his family wants nothing to do with me. Why are we living separately? Why did I do IVF using donor sperm instead of S’s? I asked S what he thought. He was unsure. I was unsure. In the end, I decided to only list myself as the Intended Parent. I started this journey by myself, I am going to finish it by myself. Yes, S will be in my life as well as the child’s. We will eventually buy a house and live together. He will most likely be the father figure in the child’s life and he will love the child dearly. But for right now, these two little waiting embryos are mine. S admitted recently that he is now feeling okay with not having kids since he can spend time with his two little sisters and that is enough for him. It reaffirmed what was in my heart…I should be the only Intended Parent.
I filled out the questionnaires without a problem. I contacted my family for old family photos I could use. How could I summarize my life in 10-15 photos?? I wanted a photo of everyone who was important to me. The surrogate needs to know that I have a village of support for my future child. Any photo that didn’t have me smiling brightly was removed from the group. I was to write a personal profile of 1-3 pages. When I finally stopped putting it off, I churned out 5 pages so I had to really trim it down. I mentioned S as my boyfriend. I felt that it was better to be honest so I wrote about my troubled past with fibroids and depression. It felt so good to finally submit the entire package yesterday. And now the wait begins.