I Dreamt of Chicken and Basketball Last Night


I admit, I am a bit superstitious at times. I do believe that there are things that exist in this universe that cannot be explained by science or religion. I sometimes even have premonition dreams. Not regularly, but it does happen. For instance, I knew that I was going to get this particular job that I had desperately wanted. I dreamt right before S and I shared our first kiss; before he first professed his love for me. Despite my brother’s dream of his first child being a boy, I, on the other hand, dreamt of being with my niece. Unfortunately, they are not always pleasant dreams. When S’s father was in the hospital, I also dreamt that he would not make it.

Occasionally, out of curiosity and also shamefully seeking some silly form of guidance (although many times it has proven to be quite accurate in representing my true emotions!), I will check out symbols that I recall from my dream the night before. The two things that stuck out from my dream last night were the raw chicken that my friend and I were barbequing and the other was the basketball that flew into the backyard of my childhood home. According to “Dream Moods” dictionary:

To see raw meat in your dream represents obstacles and discouragements that you will come across as you move toward achieving your goals. Alternatively, it may reflect your untamed, animalistic nature and raw emotions. To eat or cook meat in your dream suggests that you are getting to the heart of the matter. You are recognizing and utilizing your instinctual energies. Alternatively, you are seeing others achieve what you are still striving for.

To see a basketball in your dream suggests that you need to make the first move. You also need to concentrate and focus on your goals. 

Now I am going to go back to how I have been feeling for the last day or two…My day yesterday started off with a call from the fertility clinic that my doctor had referred me to. I did not expect to hear from them so soon. It has only a couple of weeks since I informed my doctor of my decision, but I know that he likely relayed to them the urgency of my situation. The lady told me that they were missing my partner’s information from the referral form. I paused for a beat and stumblingly uttered the words, “There won’t be a partner. I am doing this on my own.”

It was said out loud and it was okay. She thought nothing of it and then asked me if I would like to go to their office in Vancouver for my consultation or if I would like to pay $200 and do it over the phone. My doctor had already informed me of the price so I went with the latter. The soonest she could book me for was mid-April. She then asked for my email and I promptly received my login information for the clinic’s patient portal. I have to say I am impressed so far. The website is very professional and comprehensive. I’m not sure if the majority of fertility clinics have this but it seems like it is an efficient way for information to be updated between the clinic and patient and I also really liked how there was plenty of useful information, even a comprehensive glossary of fertility-related terms (phew!!) and articles on fertility that were incredibly helpful for a newbie like me. It then hit me. This is real and this is really happening. Their new office opens here in June so I am assuming that my first IUI treatment would occur shortly after that.

I also saw S briefly yesterday. It has been kind of strange being in this pseudo-relationship where I am planning a pregnancy without him. Over the last couple of weeks or so, we have been talking more again. After I had made my decision, I chose to back away for a bit. I originally had made the assumption that since we were not going to have a baby together, then that also meant that our relationship was dissolved. But after seeking the advice of my best male friend, he suggested that I give S the choice on whether or not he wanted to stay in my life. After all, we still love each other. Well it looks to be that our story isn’t over yet. After everything we have been through over the past three years, we somehow manage to still hang on.

I just don’t know how much of this personal journey I should be sharing with him. I did update him yesterday on what is happening with the clinic. He did attempt to revisit the topic of why he wasn’t ready. But as with many of our conversations, he had difficulty expressing and communicating his feelings and simply ended it by telling me that no one, including me, understands him. Once again, I told him that it is what it is and this is what is happening. That it is okay to feel the way he does.

Later into the night, I began thinking about why I am doing this. What if S changes his mind before June? Would I stray from this road I have already embarked on? I have always lived my life by following my heart. In the silence, if I were to truly listen to what I need to do, it is this. Yes, it is probably not what the typical couple does. This is not what is supposed to happen in a love story.

Even though S does not feel I understand his reasons for not being ready for a child right now, I do believe that it comes down to differing views family. Maybe growing up with an abusive father is why I always feel so strongly about living my life the way I want to and being free to make my own decisions regardless of the opinions of others, even family.

S, on the other hand, places much more value on the the opinions of his family (i.e., mother). He had said in the past that because his family all immigrated together here as a unit, they are incredibly close as a family. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him at the beginning was that I thought it was sweet and thoughtful how much he was there for his family. It wasn’t a year into our union that I realized that maybe it wasn’t normal for his mother to call him first thing each morning and for them to talk on the phone several times a day. Or that spending time with his family actually meant him lugging over his toolbox to fix something, to drive his young sisters to their swimming or gymnastics lessons, or to do whatever else his mother needed…on a regular basis. I fell in love with a man who was too kindhearted for his own good.

It should not be surprising to anyone to learn that the issues in our relationship all stem from the involvement of his mother. It has taken me two and a half years, multiple sessions with my therapist, a high dose of anti-depressants, and seeking inner peace through Buddhism, that I have learned to deal with this force of nature.

He has stated “current circumstances” as the reasoning behind his stance on parenthood. I have told him that it will never change. I hope that like me, he will eventually realize that you cannot always make everyone around you happy. I now know that no matter what either of us say or do, his mother will never like me or approve of our relationship.

Witnessing the suffering and anguish she radiates around those in her life, as well as experiencing it first-hand myself, I feel that it is best to protect my child-to-be from this kind of environment. It is very sad to admit but there is a part of me that is glad to finally be away from the negative energy and knowing that I would not be passing those seeds to my baby. I made this confession to my therapist and she explained it as since his mother “owns” him, she would also feel and act like she has ownership over our baby. I want my baby to grow up in a safe, healthy and loving environment, surrounded by family and friends who would support him/her no matter what.

I will listen to my dream. I will concentrate and focus on my goals.


This is How Much I Want You


One more thing accomplished…day 3 FSH level blood test – check! Now hopefully the results will be okay…

Prior to this, it was quite the day…

I have been off of birth control since the beginning of the year when S and I were supposed to start trying for a baby. I was happy to be off the hormones as I figured my body needed a break from them after over 15 years of it. After finding out that I would now be doing this on my own without S, I continued staying off the bc so that my body would be baby-ready even though IUI wouldn’t likely happen for another 4 months or so. I held out (barely) for the day 3 blood test but now it looks like I will need to go back on the hormones because of the cursed countless number of fibroids and thalassemia (which in case you don’t know,  is not as pretty as the name may sound. It is a genetic blood disorder that causes chronic anemia. And of course, I ended up having one of the more severe types).

Being off the bc, my periods have been more regular but have been more of a bloodbath than usual. Well it started a couple of days ago and I ended up hemorrhaging while I was at work. They ended up calling an ambulance and the school I was in was put on alert while all of this was happening (poor kids!). It was absolutely mortifying. The bathroom, my black pants (staple of my everyday wardrobe), shirt and even boots looked like props in a horror movie. At least the majority of my coworkers are women, which helps. They hooked me up to the IV and eventually after finding a match, I received a blood transfusion of a couple of units.

Unfortunately, this blood came in one way and promptly out another but I am still standing. Pale and frail as a ghost, shaky and out of breath with the slightest of movements, but I am here.

I am hoping that going back on the bc and continuing with the max doses of tranexamic acid and Advil will prevent this from happening again. But I know that with the combination of these two serious conditions, it will be a fine balance between trying to create life while trying to keep mine going at a safe level. My doctor has warned me that if I do get conceive, it will be a high-risk pregnancy and that he will have to “monitor me like a hawk.”

My mom had a hysterectomy at my age but this was after bearing three children. My doctor and I have tried everything under the sun over the last decade, including every kind of bc, Lupron, Fibristal and two hysteroscopies. He is adamant that the only treatment left for the fibroids is to have the same fate as my mom.

But I refuse to give up. I will continue pushing on in my lightheaded, lethargic haze with the hope that one day you will be here and know that this is how much I wanted you.


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First Step

Sand FootstepIt was official. I have taken the leap and told my OB-GYN that I would like to attempt pregnancy on my own. A felt like a huge weight was lifted after I told him. I guess I had expected the usual disappointment and looks of pity I have been receiving from family members and some friends after I shared my recent plan with them but my doctor was extremely supportive and gave me reassurance that I was doing the right thing. Over several years of seeing him, this was one of the most positive appointments I have had.

Being the wonderful and efficient doctor he is, he went right into discussing the different alternatives and worked out a plan with me. It seems to be a bit of kismet that a new local fertility clinic will be opening up soon and a referral was to be made there to have IUI done. He assured me that he knew the people there well and how great they were. I should be hearing from them sometime over the next month to start off with a telephone consultation.

A tiny seed of excitement has now been planted.



Black Sheep…or Pioneer of Today?


Hello all,

I am 35 years old, Chinese/Canadian, and find myself to be in the unique, yet ever-growing, group of women attempting to become single mothers by choice.

To my family’s dismay, I have always been the black sheep out of the bunch. Rather than choosing a well-paid career path that is respected within our culture, I decided to pursue education and eventually followed my heart into social/humanitarian work.

At quite a young age, I also decided to move out into my own little place *gasp*…before getting married (to a nice and wealthy Chinese man of course).

I still have never been married. Nor have I ever had a desire to. After the demise of one long-term relationship, I decided that I just wanted to enjoy dating. I had the opportunity to meet a variety of interesting men…well some more than others. And while it seemed everyone around me was settling down with their fairy tale weddings and I was one of the last few standing, I still did not experience the yearning for marriage and the status quo. I was having a great time; my coupled friends living vicariously through me.

Several years ago, I met a wonderful man and I entered into my first adult, mature relationship. It was a passionate, tumultuous love affair; on par with the great love stories in film and literature. But of course, like in these stories, there were challenges that we were not always able to conquer. Add in depression. Sprinkle in a few separations. Mix in therapy. Throw in some cultural differences and crippling family dysfunction and blend.

Despite all that and the scars of the battles, we continued to love each other. We recently decided to take the leap into cohabitation. Unfortunately it was short-lived. Because of debilitating medical issues and my ticking biological clock, I was told by my OB-GYN that we could no longer keep waiting. It was time to try for pregnancy.

I was ready…he was not. It was a very difficult decision, choosing my desire for a baby over a relationship with the kindest, most loving and beautiful man I have ever met. But my longings of finally becoming a mother were undeniable.

Needless to say, my family is not exactly jumping for joy at my latest decision.

But here I am…the beginnings of my new adventure towards becoming a single mother by choice.